Im a fat & bulimic FrEaK

im bored....IM REALLY BORED

im a FUCKING failure!...i ruined my god damn fast because i got out of bed to fast and passed out! it was only 2 and a half damn days :(...i binged and purged yet again..i would rather die of hungerness than die of puking my brains out...my stomach is bulky my legs are saggy...i wanna see myself differently but i cant..not yet, but i will...im restarting my fast i dont know if i can do it but i will try my hardest to..i will be more careful with myself and maybe have a fruit or something if im feeling a bit dizzy eh??..i can do this i can do this i can do this...im hoping this will make me get better.
im in for a whole night of crapping i took 6 lax...gotta go watch my cousin c ya'll later!

i had an ok day today..i still feel like shit since i started my fast...i hate fasting but im sick and tired of binging/purging ya know? I should just concentrate on recovery which im trying so hard to do, but then i just thought of this today...fasting isn't exactly recovering, so that got me all depressed...im scared i am going to end up anorexic again..i just wanna be normal! im sick of looking in the mirror and seeing a big beached whale, im sick of the way my clothes fit, im sick of not eating healthy!..im sick of laxitives! but recovery takes time so i have to give myself that.i just cant expect myself to get better the very next day can i??..i dont wanna die young hell, im only 17 i had eating problems since i was 12!..i mean i wanna live untill im old and ready! we only have one life who gives a shit if were fat humungous giants right??...the little voice inside me says "amanda you give a shit if in your one life you look like a big humungous giant"..i care which is sad, i dont want to admit it because im trying to recover but i still dont want to end up a beached whale I DONT DAMMIT!..i wanna be skinny/healthy/happy..but im afraid that things dont work that way

i hate having my period :(
it sucks
im fasting at the moment
untill next monday because i wanna prove myself wrong that i can keep myself from purging..
i hate shitting...damn laxitives!......I get depressed and take a ton, then i end up regretting it (stupid me) i kno...im messin up my insides like crazy. I think it would be better to starve myself,,but then i would only be switching disorders again..AGAIN...and rememeber IM TRYING TO GET BETTER DAMMIT!!

i have some thinsperations for myself and anyone else...

haha lol I kno its a dancing baby...well im feeling a little better than i did earlier b/c I totally messed up again on the anti-binging/purging..i still dont know if i can get any better from this stupid ass disorder..im trying my hardest dammit!

I can't freakin sleep...Im so nervous about tomorrow...Im scared I will fail again and make myself more depressed...I know its stupid but I hate eating..I HATE FOOD!! look what it gets people to do? were all going nuts!..I swear to god that i never wanna eat again, even though i know i will...i will try not to because thats one of the main goals having an eating disorder..to be thin/not to eat fatty nasty foods/A FLAT TUMMY...god i think im going to bed..

wow...I havent written in this for awhile...last time I wrote I thought i was still (anorexic) untill I found out just the beginning of this summer that im BULIMIC...yay//// lol to think I was taking laxitives/diet pills/dieretics etc etc all year long and binging and purging...and I didnt know I was bulimic??? duh??...well I am officially diagnosed with bulimia so I cant convince myself otherwise...lol, I wanna end this whole thing but its so much harder than it looks :( Im so sick of bulimia its like a deep dark hole I dont know I can crawl out of..

♥

http://photobucket.com/albums/i165/chic1278/?action=view¤t=bb.jpg
another pic..

http://photobucket.com/albums/i165/chic1278/?action=view¤t=scan00022.jpg
recent pic!!

Ok here's my story....


-Ok I woke up at around 5:00 am and I took a warm shower..feeling amazing because I was empty of food and all that:)...well I went to school and I was sitting in the library..(workin on my term paper)..well I got this really weird headache, everytime I moved my eyes I felt really really dizzy and I had this horrible pain in my forhead...well the bell rung to pass to next period and I was walking down the stairs I got so dizzy my heart started pounding harder and harder and then my head started to pound..well I stopped at the bottom of the starts and headed towards the bathroom so I could get myself together..well I got there and I went into those large stalls that are ment for handicapped people and I leaned against the door and I looked in the mirror and I was SO PALE!! and all of a sudden I felt like I had to puke..so I was like gagging and nothing came up because I had nothing in my stomach...after a bit I realized I was REALLY LATE to my next period class...like 20 minutes but strangly it passed so quickly and I didnt realize it..well I headed towards my cultures class and I got written up. when I got home that day I took a long nap and woke up because my friend called me, she invited me over to her house because her mom was having a "girls day" and she was ordering chinese food and renting a movie..all i was thinking was like "ewww foood..I know I shouldnt because Im fasting" but then I realized I still had my headache, and I told her I would come over because she was looking forward to it. Before I knew it I was hogging down seseme chicken and cheese won-tons and eggrolls...after I ate though I have to admit my head felt much better, but my stomach didnt:( and my head kept telling me that I failed AGAIN..well its like 9:00 and I have been home for like and hour now and ever since I have been home I have been puking everything up, and im not even trying it. like every 20 minutes im puking my brains out...
well now I feel dumb for one because I didnt do my fast..but my head feels so much better! maybe I will try again tomorrow and if my head hurts I will take something..should have thought of that earlier..oh well...update tomorrow on how I did and how I felt :) love you all

well havent updated my journel in awhile...I'm about to start a fast and it will be succesfull I know it will!!! ok I know this isnt really the most appropriate picture lol but look how skinny she is?? Im so jealous of this woman..check this webpage out: http://thumb.shutterstock.com/photos2/display_pic_with_logo/19/19,1118049762,2.jpg .she's sooo skinny! I wanna be like her someday,,,maybe I will..hopefully!! :D anyway I will definatly write back tomorrow when I get home from school (ehh)..right when I get home because if I dont do something I KNOW i WILL BE tempted to eat and thats not what I want well g2g