Im a fat & bulimic FrEaK

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 17:08:29 GMT

whooo the green font is really pretty dont you think??
im boreded
i hate my fingernails
there pointy
i love h20
its 00 so good mmm
i LOVE YOU
YOU LOVE ME
WERE A HAPPY FAMILY
WITH A GREAT BIG HUG
AND A KISS FROM ME TO U
WONT YOU SAY...
you LOVE ME TOO!
hahahahahahhahaha...barnie is my rolemodel
he's kinda gay dont you think?
i mean barnie's a guy right??..
he acts a little feminine...and spends wayyy to much
time with little kids!!
hugging them and talking about kissin them
what the fuck is wrong with that thing??
lol i will shut up...:P

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 17:01:42 GMT

well thats totally embarrassing..i didn't know the picture of me would turn out so large..whoops..well i guess everyone knows what i look like now :( lol i was also gunna make it friends only but i kinda messed up..owell :P..im gunna write a whole shitload so it pushes the picture down so its not the first thing everyone see's..im sure its not something people want to first look at in my journel...ahhh I feel so dumb: I gotta go to work at six..and im not looking forward to it because im a cashier and i gotta deal with some annoying assholes! I ate to much today I might as well share it huh?? :P
I had:
I packet of oriental roman noodles
a corndog with mustard
a twinkie...only because i never had one and i wanted to try it...lmao..
anyway im trying to eat healthy but it aint working out to well..as long as i do my routine excersizes i will be fine! i night as well share that too right??
I do:
50 stairs up and down up and down
100 sit-ups
weight lifting each arm 20
walker thingy foro 20 minutes
its not very much but i feel good afterwards!! ok i will stop babbling im sure you all are very bored soo umm.....
BYE BYE PEOPLE!!

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 05:29:06 GMT

im bored....IM REALLY BORED

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 05:24:57 GMT

Sat, 05 Aug 2006 04:55:23 GMT

Sat, 05 Aug 2006 04:48:06 GMT

Sat, 05 Aug 2006 03:14:23 GMT

today was very busy for me..i had 2 appointments, one with my doctor and one with my nutritionist..she wants me to keep a log everyday on what i eat (how i feel afterwards)...and what excersizes i do that day...easy right??..WRONG! its hard because i actually see how much i eat and then i get even more upset...i will do it though it may turn out ok in the end right??..ehh school starts in 3 weeks AlReAdY!!!!!...i swear this summer went so freaking fast it isnt even funny!!...im kinda sleepy even though its not that late teehee...wouldnt it make everything more simple if food made you loose weight??..god the whole world would be skinny :D that would be awsome...but then people will find other things to make fun of people for, like there hair or there clothes or something like that...WE NEVER WIN!!...hahaha a cloths disorder...(dont ask)...im having random thoughts..i ate wayyy to much today and im debating whether or not to take those laxitives sitting there behind my dresser or not...im thinking i will just one more time, but thats what i always say..its so hard to break the habit ya KnOw!!..kinda like biting your fingernails it comes out of habit...habits suck...

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 22:11:56 GMT

im a FUCKING failure!...i ruined my god damn fast because i got out of bed to fast and passed out! it was only 2 and a half damn days :(...i binged and purged yet again..i would rather die of hungerness than die of puking my brains out...my stomach is bulky my legs are saggy...i wanna see myself differently but i cant..not yet, but i will...im restarting my fast i dont know if i can do it but i will try my hardest to..i will be more careful with myself and maybe have a fruit or something if im feeling a bit dizzy eh??..i can do this i can do this i can do this...im hoping this will make me get better.
im in for a whole night of crapping i took 6 lax...gotta go watch my cousin c ya'll later!

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 02:04:32 GMT

i had an ok day today..i still feel like shit since i started my fast...i hate fasting but im sick and tired of binging/purging ya know? I should just concentrate on recovery which im trying so hard to do, but then i just thought of this today...fasting isn't exactly recovering, so that got me all depressed...im scared i am going to end up anorexic again..i just wanna be normal! im sick of looking in the mirror and seeing a big beached whale, im sick of the way my clothes fit, im sick of not eating healthy!..im sick of laxitives! but recovery takes time so i have to give myself that.i just cant expect myself to get better the very next day can i??..i dont wanna die young hell, im only 17 i had eating problems since i was 12!..i mean i wanna live untill im old and ready! we only have one life who gives a shit if were fat humungous giants right??...the little voice inside me says "amanda you give a shit if in your one life you look like a big humungous giant"..i care which is sad, i dont want to admit it because im trying to recover but i still dont want to end up a beached whale I DONT DAMMIT!..i wanna be skinny/healthy/happy..but im afraid that things dont work that way

AHH...

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 03:48:58 GMT

i hate having my period :(
it sucks
im fasting at the moment
untill next monday because i wanna prove myself wrong that i can keep myself from purging..
i hate shitting...damn laxitives!......I get depressed and take a ton, then i end up regretting it (stupid me) i kno...im messin up my insides like crazy. I think it would be better to starve myself,,but then i would only be switching disorders again..AGAIN...and rememeber IM TRYING TO GET BETTER DAMMIT!!

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 03:39:55 GMT

i have some thinsperations for myself and anyone else...

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 22:26:08 GMT

haha lol I kno its a dancing baby...well im feeling a little better than i did earlier b/c I totally messed up again on the anti-binging/purging..i still dont know if i can get any better from this stupid ass disorder..im trying my hardest dammit!

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 22:23:15 GMT

okkk...

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 04:51:46 GMT

I can't freakin sleep...Im so nervous about tomorrow...Im scared I will fail again and make myself more depressed...I know its stupid but I hate eating..I HATE FOOD!! look what it gets people to do? were all going nuts!..I swear to god that i never wanna eat again, even though i know i will...i will try not to because thats one of the main goals having an eating disorder..to be thin/not to eat fatty nasty foods/A FLAT TUMMY...god i think im going to bed..

Ahhh..

Sat, 29 Jul 2006 17:24:54 GMT

wow...I havent written in this for awhile...last time I wrote I thought i was still (anorexic) untill I found out just the beginning of this summer that im BULIMIC...yay//// lol to think I was taking laxitives/diet pills/dieretics etc etc all year long and binging and purging...and I didnt know I was bulimic??? duh??...well I am officially diagnosed with bulimia so I cant convince myself otherwise...lol, I wanna end this whole thing but its so much harder than it looks :( Im so sick of bulimia its like a deep dark hole I dont know I can crawl out of..

Sat, 22 Apr 2006 21:52:46 GMT

♥

Tue, 21 Mar 2006 22:47:08 GMT

http://photobucket.com/albums/i165/chic1278/?action=view¤t=bb.jpg
another pic..

Tue, 21 Mar 2006 01:08:41 GMT

http://photobucket.com/albums/i165/chic1278/?action=view¤t=scan00022.jpg
recent pic!!

Ewwww....

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 02:03:46 GMT

Ok here's my story....

-Ok I woke up at around 5:00 am and I took a warm shower..feeling amazing because I was empty of food and all that:)...well I went to school and I was sitting in the library..(workin on my term paper)..well I got this really weird headache, everytime I moved my eyes I felt really really dizzy and I had this horrible pain in my forhead...well the bell rung to pass to next period and I was walking down the stairs I got so dizzy my heart started pounding harder and harder and then my head started to pound..well I stopped at the bottom of the starts and headed towards the bathroom so I could get myself together..well I got there and I went into those large stalls that are ment for handicapped people and I leaned against the door and I looked in the mirror and I was SO PALE!! and all of a sudden I felt like I had to puke..so I was like gagging and nothing came up because I had nothing in my stomach...after a bit I realized I was REALLY LATE to my next period class...like 20 minutes but strangly it passed so quickly and I didnt realize it..well I headed towards my cultures class and I got written up. when I got home that day I took a long nap and woke up because my friend called me, she invited me over to her house because her mom was having a "girls day" and she was ordering chinese food and renting a movie..all i was thinking was like "ewww foood..I know I shouldnt because Im fasting" but then I realized I still had my headache, and I told her I would come over because she was looking forward to it. Before I knew it I was hogging down seseme chicken and cheese won-tons and eggrolls...after I ate though I have to admit my head felt much better, but my stomach didnt:( and my head kept telling me that I failed AGAIN..well its like 9:00 and I have been home for like and hour now and ever since I have been home I have been puking everything up, and im not even trying it. like every 20 minutes im puking my brains out...
well now I feel dumb for one because I didnt do my fast..but my head feels so much better! maybe I will try again tomorrow and if my head hurts I will take something..should have thought of that earlier..oh well...update tomorrow on how I did and how I felt :) love you all

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 00:28:25 GMT

well havent updated my journel in awhile...I'm about to start a fast and it will be succesfull I know it will!!! ok I know this isnt really the most appropriate picture lol but look how skinny she is?? Im so jealous of this woman..check this webpage out: http://thumb.shutterstock.com/photos2/display_pic_with_logo/19/19,1118049762,2.jpg .she's sooo skinny! I wanna be like her someday,,,maybe I will..hopefully!! :D anyway I will definatly write back tomorrow when I get home from school (ehh)..right when I get home because if I dont do something I KNOW i WILL BE tempted to eat and thats not what I want well g2g

Sat, 28 Jan 2006 00:12:28 GMT

YAY its friday!! and im ready for a weekend full of fasting **whoowhoo** it helps a lot to have someone calling me every like 2 hours to remind me not to eat!! especially because there's pizza upstairs and thats my FAV!!! I will succeed! hahaha yeaa

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 02:58:51 GMT

okey okey...
I WONT BE ABLE TO EAT TOMORROE WHOO WHOO!! i have no time to eat!! that makes me so happy! hahahhaha at 4:30 I have a doctors appointment :(..and then at 6:45 I have a chorus concert!! untill 8:30 at night then when i get home Im going for an hour jog and do some sit ups and might come on here so yea whoo!!

Yo!!

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 02:39:51 GMT

Ok Im abnormally HAPPY lol its so weird...hahaha its these damn pills "happy pills" :D but NO I SHOULDNT BE HAPPY!!!! you girls who read this wont believe me and i dont believe it myself I gained 12 pounds...12 POUNDS!! OMG i feel so obese..well wont have time to eat tomorrow i have a chorus concert..which kicks becuase I wont have to worry about food AT ALL tomorrow!!! whoo whoo!!

no no NOOOO!!!!

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 22:51:13 GMT

this is just so horrible!! im tired of restarting fasts...I cant believe I did that during lunch today ):
I would have not eaten for 2DAYS!! but no I fell into the "im stressed about midterms" trap lol...I forgot that we had our last midterm today and it was the hardest and I had lunch before it and I gave in!! I need to stay focused next time...I never found it this hard to fast before!! geesh!!
I ate:
cheez with some crackers
spegettio's with crackers
peanut butter
coffee Ice cream
OMG I ATE SO MUCH!! )':

i will update 2morrow on how i do...i think im gunna come on here right after school because thats usually when i wanna eat,,

"time to get focused"

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 01:13:07 GMT

ahhhhh just had another cup of tea....I dunno if i should be happy or sad lol
day 1:
an apple
2 cupes of chai tea
water